An election manifesto…
Thank you to whoever nominated me for the Best Book Blog Award at this year’s Annual Bloggers Bash Awards! I am thrilled and honoured!
I considered simply blushing and waiting to see if anyone voted for me – highly unlikely since I’m up against some phenomenal competition, not least my own choice – the lovely Cleo from Cleopatra Loves Books.
But then I remembered that sometimes the least likely person can win elections, even against the most qualified candidates who have ever stood! It all depends on making sure the offer appeals enough to the electorate, and boiling those messages down to some easily remembered slogans. So here is my manifesto…
BUILD THE WALL!
If you vote for me, I will build a giant circular wall, 20 feet high, and I will have it lined with bookshelves! Inside the wall will be a new country where we will all live in a yuge palace, complete with loads of comfy chairs, reading lamps and coffee tables.
BAN THE BOOK HATERS!
All people with a TBR greater than 181 will be automatic citizens of FFLand (as I propose to modestly call this new country) and library cards will be issued instead of identity papers. However Book Haters with a TBR of 181 or less will be left on the outside – we don’t want them coming into our country and spreading their horrible ideas about TBR reduction plans and reading what they already have before acquiring more. Unnatural!
EXTREME VETTING!
There will be an immigration plan but potential immigrants will be extremely vetted before being allowed to enter. They must swear the following oath of allegiance…
“I hereby declare, on oath, that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign library of which I have heretofore been a member; that I will support and defend the Constitution and laws of FFLand against all Book Haters, foreign and domestic; that I will bear books on behalf of FFLand when required by the law; that I will read for a minimum of 8 hours per day and blog at least three times a week; that I will never return library books on time nor allow my TBR to drop below 182; and that I take this obligation freely without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion. I swear this oath on the latest block-buster novel.”
LOCK HER UP!
Wikileaks have just released the following shock news! They’ve received details, via Russians who have hacked into her blog, of the latest state of Crooked Cleo’s TBR and I have to tell you that, although she pretends to be a book lover, horrifically she has allowed her TBR to drop to 181! Click here if you want to see the evidence for yourself! Proof positive that she’s a secret Book Hater!! If I win, I shall instruct the FFBI to investigate her instantly, find her guilty of something, and Lock Her Up! Lock Her Up!! LOCK HER UP!!!
* * * * * * * * *
I suspect you’re all longing to vote for me now, understandably. But just in case, by some odd freak of nature, Crooked Cleo wins the popular vote, then obviously this could only be because she has bussed in three billion illegal Book Haters from the Lands Beyond The Wall to rig the vote! (Lock Her Up!) So to encourage you all to turn out and vote the right way – i.e., FOR ME! – there will be free chocolate at my inauguration rally!!
So click on the ballot box to…
Well, I must say, I love the idea of a book-lover’s paradise, FictionFan. I’m already intrigued. If I contribute to you campaign, can I be Ambassador to Netgalley?? I’m also concerned that, should you be elected, it will later come out that you – ahem – consulted with another book blogger to torpedo Cleo’s campaign and bolster your own. What will you do if that happens?
In all seriousness, congratulations and well done!!! Richly deserved! Delighted for you!
You certainly may! Your first task will be to ensure they stop giving books to Book Haters and keep them all for FFLanders! In the unlikely circumstance that unfounded and completely untrue allegations are made about my campaign tactics by Crooked Cleo and her gang, I shall send out my new Press Secretary, Comrade Sam Slicer, to tell lies on my behalf! Any dissenters will be thrown over the wall!
Thank you! It’s a good opportunity for a bit of fun… 😀
😆 😆 Oh, this is great, FictionFan! And you know, if you can’t have fun now and again, life gets quite drab…
Life will never be drab in FFLand! Especially since the palace walls will be lined with pictures of Darcy…
there will be free chocolate at my inauguration rally!!
Can we assume that’s the one manifesto promise you’re prepared to keep?
Absolutely! You will note, however, that I didn’t mention sharing…
I’m surprised you even know the word.
I’ve heard Crooked Cleo and her gang use it…
Elitists that they are!
Swamp monsters!
I did. Having just deleted my blog (it’s becoming “that way” again….. dull and uninteresing), I’d rather read others’, and especially yours! I do so love your entries, with the photos, humor, and of course the reviews. x
Aw, thank you! You can have one of the palace rooms with the nice views! 😉
I’m sorry you’ve deleted your blog – I was enjoying following your progress towards Wimbledon fame! I hope it will return in some other format sometime… 😀
Oh, maybe, who knows? But I don’t have the time I’d like to really make it nice. When it’s boring me, it’s time to move on. And I so enjoy reading other blogs……. Makes it easier to get in the reading I want to do. No worries.
Yes, it is very time-consuming! I laugh, because every year since I started blogging I’ve read less than the year before because the blog consumes more and more of my reading time. Eventually I’ll have nothing to blog about! 😉
I voted for you because I would love to live in FFLand!
Aw, thank you! You have guaranteed citizenry and can have first pick of the books… 😀
Congratulations! I’m delighted to see a few of my favourite blogs nominated – as well as others which I should find time to investigate. Often blogger awards turn into cliquey affairs, so I’m glad to see some genuine quality on the list. But what a scunner having to choose between you and Cleo – you’ve both been so supportive and friendly to me since I started blogging. I’m going to have to give this some serious consideration….! Meanwhile, congratulations, m’dear!
Thank you! 😀 I know – it never does to take these things too seriously, but they’re always a great opportunity to have a bit of fun! You can’t be considering voting for Crooked Cleo, though!! Mr Putin won’t be happy when he hears that! Fortunately he’ll be rigging the voting anyway, so your vote will only count if you Vote for Me!! 😉
I’m not sure I like what this nomination has done to you, but I’m won over by your Utopian vision 😀
I do seem to be having a particularly Bad Hair Day, but I suspect I’ve been sabotaged by Crooked Cleo and her gang! I shall save you a comfy sofa with a nice view… 😉
Good luck 🙂
Thank you! 😀
I voted for one of you last year and will vote for one of you this year – no peeking which is which! But your manifesto does throw up some interesting temptations… Can we also have a tablecloth fortress under the dining room table where we can read undisturbed without the rest of the family noticing what we are up to?
You certainly can! However I should warn you that if you vote for Crooked Cleo, you will be locked up for eternity in a small cell with your entire family and NO BOOKS! Just sayin’…
A far better manifesto than most of the real ones on offer!
Next stop… The World!!! Bwahaha!!!
I’m all in!!!!! But you must offer the most beautiful chocolate cake in the history of all chocolate cakes. And ban The Art of the Deal in FFLand. THEN we have a deal. (I tried voting twice btw, so it’s a honestly rigged system, which are the only systems I endorse.) Now go out there and win at all costs!!!
Not only will there be limitless supplies of chocolate cake, but there will also be lemon meringue pie!! No Trumpery of any kind will be permitted, and comb-overs will be banned! It’s a shoe-in – I have hired KellyAnne Conmerchant as my campaign manager… and Comrade Slicey will be doing my publicity. See you in FFLand! 😀
I want to vote you most humorous, too. I’m packing my bags this instant! I definitely want to live in a place that doesn’t allow Trumpery of any kind!! This is the utopian writing I was talking about… ahhhh….
Haha! I’m rather relieved not to be in competition for the Funniest Blogger this year – that was way too much pressure! You shall have a special corner in FFLand, far, far away from all news channels…
Excellent. I’ll bring chocolate 🍫!
Hurrah!
Haha great manifesto FF 😀
Thank you! Just off to get my hair cut now… 😉
I’ve just surfaced from finishing another book so technically another reduction in the TBR, to this!! My family now think I’ve totally lost it as I laughed so much I couldn’t talk and I’m writing this with tears rolling down my face.
I’m with Marina on her suggestion for the under the table hidey hole and off to order some books so I can join the magic kingdom 😊
I knew I should have nominated you for funniest blogger…
Hahaha! I was quite relieved to be nominated for book blogging this time round… 😉
Hahaha! I’m glad it made you laugh – I was a teeny bit worried I might have gone over the top, Crooked Cleo! See, this is what happens when your TBR drops… you brought it on yourself! Definitely hidey-holes, and endless supplies of cake! Of course, sadly you’ll be in jail…
Presumably if I buy more books I’ll be allowed back in? I’ll bring chocolate…
Ooh, now you’re talking politics, girl! OK, once you’ve sworn the oath you can come out of jail and find a nice corner near the bookshelves in the Crime section. See? As dictators go, I’m quite nice really…
Yay! I’m a member of FF Land! Congrats on the nomination. I have cast my vote for you x
Aw thank you! 😀 Your massive TBR will entitle you to an entire sofa to yourself – with cushions!
Marvellous!
Thanks for sharing and good luck 😀
Thank you! And thanks for hosting the whole thing – always fun for us, but so much work for you! 😀
lol, it is quite a lot of work, but so worth it. I couldn’t do it without the committee. They are AWESOME 😀
Well, you have our gratitude – it brightens up the whole blogging thing, whether we get nominated or not! And it’s a great way to meet other bloggers too. 😀
Most welcome – that’s all the satisfaction I need. So glad you’re enjoying it 😀
Fantastic I’m in and have a tbr mountain!!
Hurrah! Welcome to FFLand – I shall reserve one of the comfiest chairs for you! 😀
Perfect! 😀
chocolate? Say no more
NEVER say “no more” to chocolate!! 😉
oh jeez, yes I see what you did there. Well, I voted for you, fingers crossed!
Aw thank you! I shall reserve you one of the comfiest chairs in FFLand! 😀
You have made my day!
Hahaha! Glad you enjoyed it! 😀
Hahah loved this ❤
Haha! Glad it made you laugh! 😀
Should you require a place to send convicts (ie those whose TBR piles rank under the fairly legislated number) send them down to me where they will be put to work checking scanned copies of Moby Dick for typos and transliteration errors.
Hahahaha!! The perfect punishment! And a real encouragement to slackers everywhere to get that TBR up and apply for citizenship asap! 😆
Too cruel!!!
😆 Sounds good to me…
Congratulations! This post made me giggle – I love it.
Thank you! Haha – glad it made you giggle! 😀
I loved this post! Hilarious, and I needed that today, as I’m writing a job application. Congratulations on the nomination. You would be a worthy winner, and your campaign promises are brilliant. Good luck!
Haha – thank you! Glad it made you laugh! I’ve never understood why more politicians don’t offer free chocolate… 😉 Good luck with the job application!
Thank you.☺️
Ha – funny stuff! Nice one!
Thanks – glad it made you smile! 😀
Congratulations on the nomination! This manifesto is sooooooooo much more interesting than the other ones currently being dissected in the media.
Thank you! Haha – I know! I’ve never understood why more politicians don’t offer free chocolate – it would get my vote! 😉
XD XD XD
So hilarious! I definitely want to live in FFLand! You’ve got my vote! (I’ll take that free chocolate now, please. Thanks.) Congrats on being nominated. I’ll be waiting for the Saturday Night Live skit of your campaign. 🙂
Thank you! Haha – I’m glad it made you laugh! 😀 (Ah, you see, I said there would be free chocolate, but I didn’t make any promises about sharing it – you should always read the small print…) Hahaha! Ooh, I want Melissa to play me! 😉
FF, I shall of course be voting for you. Though I’m a teensy bit worried that if I counted my tbrs I might be a tad short of the necessary ….. But I’ve decided that lists must surely count too? As well as physical or digital books? In which case I’m well in! 😀
In the interest of fairness I think I should also pop over to Cleo’s blog too: just to check out what I’m missing….. sounds like hers might be almost as good as yours….. And she might be offering even more chocolate…. or courtside tickets for Wimbledon…..
Would that all politics could be as hilarious as this!
Haha – thank you, I’m glad it made you laugh! 😀 Wishlists certainly count, so long as you commit to getting your TBR up to the required level within the period stipulated by law. Should be easy with that wall of books to choose from!
Don’t you dare go over to Crooked Cleo’s gang! I omitted to say I’ll be locking up all her voters along with her! In a cell with no books!! (Though if she is offering Wimbledon tickets, I may vote for her myself… 😉 )
Books and chocolate… sounds like heaven. With a TBR list almost 10x the required number, I’d have no problem getting into FFLand. But… who would I badger about how we should all be reading more? What would I do with myself if there is no reason and no person to nag anymore? ( I guess the answer to that question is: read!)
Ah, fear not! You shall head up the team of missionaries we shall be sending to the Lands Beyond the Wall to convert them to the true path… I do hope they don’t pop you in a cooking pot though – these Book Haters are a savage crew. I mean, look at Crooked Cleo! 😉
It sounds more like a never ending party. I like it.
There will be a special party zone filled with finger food and fizzy pop! 😀
Do you have food?
But of course! Pie and cake!
D0 NOT EAT THE CANDY
Too late! *wipes stains from around mouth*
Hey
Congrats on your nomination, FF, and rest assured I cast my ballot for you. In fact, I wanted to cast it LOTS of times (the Chicago Way, you know!), but somebody must be onto that trick. Anyway, I’m all for that book-wall and loads of chocolate, so let’s declare victory and party on!!
Thank you – haha! The Chicago Way sounds like it fits right in to my campaigning methods. Don’t tell Crooked Cleo about it though – these Book Haters can’t be trusted… 😉 The victory party is going to be YUGE!!
FFLand sounds like heaven. Good to know I shouldn’t have any trouble getting in!
And thanks for the laugh! 🙂
Haha – glad you enjoyed it! 😀 Yes, I think most of my bloggy buddies will get automatic entry… except for Crooked Cleo, of course… 😉
I loved this! I read Cleo’s post with her puny TBR and I scoffed! Clearly we don’t want *those* kinds of people living in FFLand! 😉
Hahaha – certainly not! She’d have us all on TBR Reduction Plans and Book Diets and who knows what else! 😉 Glad you enjoyed it! 😀
[…] following TBR announcement – Please don’t believe the fake news being peddled in the dirtiest book blogger campaign ever witnessed but if a campaign of books and chocolate win the popular vote, I want to be inside […]
I missed it! I just went there and the polls were closed! I was ready to vote for you! For a circular book wall. For banning book haters (that would get rid of 45)….I’m not sure how I feel about you suggesting that Crooked Cleo be locked up….But we can’t agree on all issues, right? I would have voted!!!!
See, this is exactly how Hillary ended up in the losers’ box! Imagine how bad you’re going to feel if I lose out to Crooked Cleo by one vote! I’m not sure you deserve a place in FFLand…
Please, oh please, don’t exclude me! I’m make it up to you. I promise! I make really lovely Earl Gray chocolate truffles….
Hmm… well, I might reconsider, even though it does sound like you might be trying to bribe me. But then, I quite like the idea of being bribed, so OK – you’re in! Now all we have to do is nobble the other candidates… bwahaha!!