The last waltz…
Best known for being the author of the funniest book ever written, Three Men in a Boat, you’d assume that any horror story Jerome K Jerome produced would be beautifully light and humorous, wouldn’t you? Well, you’d be right…and you’d also be wrong…
Take your partners please, as the band strikes up for this week’s…
The Dancing Partner by Jerome K Jerome
This story is taken from Jerome’s book, Novel Notes.
In a small town in the Black Forest, there lived a man called Nicholaus Geibel – an inventor of mechanical toys. In his shop, he had cats that washed their faces, dolls that spoke, rabbits that smoothed their whiskers. But as well as these small toys, he loved to make strange things that would never sell – he made them just for the sheer pleasure of it and many of them showed his rather wicked sense of humour…
…a skeleton that, supported by an upright iron bar, would dance a hornpipe; a life-size lady doll that could play the fiddle; and a gentleman with a hollow inside who could smoke a pipe and drink more lager beer than any three average German students out together, which is saying much.
One day, Geibel heard his daughter, Olga, and her friends bemoaning the quantity and quality of dancing partners at a recent ball, and describing the partner they wished they could find…
“Oh, I never mind how they talk,” said a fourth. “If a man dances well he may be a fool for all I care.”
“He generally is,” slipped in a thin girl, rather spitefully.
“I go to a ball to dance,” continued the previous speaker, not noticing the interruption. “All I ask of a partner is that he shall hold me firmly, take me round steadily, and not get tired before I do.”
And so Geibel decided that he would surprise the town at the next ball. He spent some weeks tinkering in his workshop, every now and again chuckling to himself at what a sensation his new invention would be. And sure enough, when the guests were all gathered at the start of the next ball, Geibel and his new ‘friend’ entered to much applause and laughter…
Geibel placed his hand encouragingly on Fritz’s shoulder, and the lieutenant bowed low, accompanying the action with a harsh clicking noise in his throat, unpleasantly suggestive of a death rattle.
After some hesitation, Olga’s friend, Annette, agreed to be Fritz’s first partner, and at first everything went perfectly…
Keeping perfect time and step, and holding its little partner tightly clasped in an unyielding embrace, it revolved steadily, pouring forth at the same time a constant flow of squeaky conversation, broken by brief intervals of grinding silence.
(D’you know, I’m sure I’ve danced with him myself!)
Since everything was going so splendidly, Geibel went off with a friend to have a drink and a smoke, leaving the young people to it. The dance whirled on, and Annette turned the knob that controlled the automaton’s speed…
…and the figure flew round with her swifter and swifter. Couple after couple dropped out exhausted, but they only went the faster, till at length they were the only pair left dancing.
Becoming concerned, the older women urged Annette to stop, but she didn’t reply…and they saw that she had fainted. Some of the men intervened to try to stop the automaton…
Two of them made a bungling rush at the figure, which had the result of forcing it out of its orbit in the centre of the room, and sending it crashing against the walls and the furniture. A stream of blood showed itself down the girl’s white frock, and followed her along the floor…
* * * * * * *
Well! From that point the story continues on its gory way to its gruesome end. If you want to read it, click here.
This is one of the strangest stories I’ve read in a while. Right up to the last couple of pages, it’s a lovely confection making light fun of both the young men and young women who frequent the town’s dances. But then it suddenly turns into something not far off the Texas Chainsaw Massacre! It’s quite well written and very readable, but I fear I kept waiting for a punchline that didn’t come. I don’t know what to make of it really. I suppose the moral of the story is you should never waltz with an automaton on the first date…
Fretful porpentine rating: 😯 😯 😯
Overall story rating: 🙂 🙂 🙂
Wow – I would not have expected that of Jerome K Jerome! Who knew he had such a dark side? Although the girl was a fool – everyone knows to avoid anything clockwork in a fairy tale.
Haha! Yes! But it was all going so well at first…and let’s face it, dancing with men can be equally dangerous… 😉
Now you tell me! 😉 Actually, this does sound like a strange sort of story – Texas Chainsaw Massacre fused with a touch of the comedy of manners. Hmmmm… I like the social satire bit though; it sounds quite funny.
Weird, definitely! I was happily chuckling away right up to the moment the blood started flowing. I liked the ‘thin girl’s’ little snarky asides, though…
Oh, and don’t think I didn’t notice how you slipped in that ‘photo! 😉
😆 I thought I’d been so subtle too…
😆
This sounds brilliant and I am certain that I know the tale, although I am just as certain I haven’t read the story. Maybe it was adapted for radio or something similar. My memory is terrible, anyway. I am going to read this tonight, I think Terry will like it 🙂
There are certainly audio versions of it – though I haven’t listened to them. It’s a weird one – half comedy, half gore-fest. Just don’t let Terry dance with the mechanical cats!!
I can assure you, no mechanical cats will be allowed into my abode!
Mechanical mice can be fun though! Or laser toys – have you tried them yet? Tuppence used to try to catch the light even on the ceiling – finding innovative ways to get up there! My poor curtains…
I will have to try the laser. He does go for the TV remote when I am using it, I imagine it’s a similar thing. His favourite is a pink mouse with a little rattle in it that he whacks all round the house. He has many little balls but they keep disappearing 😦
Oh don’t worry – the balls will turn up… under your foot just when you least expect it!
My mum found one in her handbag last week – from when we were visiting at Christmas!! I look forward with interest to the rediscovery of the others… 😉
Yuk! Although, like you, I am sure I have danced with the human on whom this automaton was based. After all, I did get three ribs fractured by a partner who let my hand go at a crucial point in the “Strip the Willow”. Perhaps the answer is not to dance – a policy I have pursued for some years!
I’ve always thought Strip the Willow should be banned! But really, a nice little waltz shouldn’t lead to a blood-spattered death, I feel – poor Annette!
🙂
Strange, and interesting!
It’s certainly a strange one – quite fun, up until the gore begins!
A moral to live by, I’d say!
Haha! One that’s stood me in good stead over the years… 😉
Oh I DID enjoy this, AND your post. I even enjoyed the gore! And I was so pleased you found an excuse to display the Professor’s nemesis again.
My porp had a lovely shiver whilst you giggle time with this
(PS I’m probably really tempting fate, but it does look as if your Shardlake WILL for certain make a 5 star book recommended by a friend for my Popsugar challenge. History JUST as I like it, learn whilst you feverishly turn pages caught up within high drama.)
Goodness! Poor, poor Annette if even LF enjoyed her gory demise! At least she didn’t die in vain…
First Darcy pic of the year…but not the last!
(Oh good! I must say you’d be in a pretty small minority if you didn’t like it – I’ve been stunned by the reviews – both how many there are, and how positive the majority are. When did he become so huge? When I started reading him, way back in the dawn of time, no-one had ever heard of him, and you couldn’t talk anybody into 600 pages of heavy historical fiction. It’s getter a better overall rating than Wolf Hall. I suspect I think it’s a better book too, fan though I am of La Mantel…)
And given that it’s got over 1000 reviews already, why on earth is the publisher giving away free publicity copies???
Possibly – for the US release – the offer was for USA residents preferred, out of region requests will probably be declined- but I thought – what the hell, let’s try, and got IMMEDIATE acceptance. Weird. Possibly a blip which they didn’t spot
You’re probably right – though it’s even got 65 reviews in the US which is loads for a British crime novel only a couple of months after its release. Hope you continue to enjoy it…
PS aren’t those fashions, when chaps feel the urgent need to attach furry caterpillars to their upper lips, not to mention a veritable forest of wire wool to their chins, odd?
Personally I think it has to do with evolution…but I’m far too polite to say what exactly…
Given that it was a man who made this contraption, I think he was making a point that a woman might want a bit more out of man than what those girls specified. I don’t think he meant to kill any of them, just teach them a lesson, confirming the adage “Be careful what you wish for…”
Yes, I feel the brutal slaying was a somewhat harsher punishment than he intended! Anyway, I’d rather dance with Darcy any day of the week…
I think I liked it, but I was a bit surprised and disappointed in the ending.
It’s an odd ending, isn’t it? It just doesn’t seem to match up with the rest of the story.
I can think of several better ways to finish it off…so to speak.
Haha! I find that a bit worrying… 😉
Brilliant but I’m not sure I agree with the way he ended it! I loved the fact that the dancing automation kept up a steady stream of chatter, quite spooky! Great choice for Tuesday Terror once again.
Thanks! 🙂 Yes, I thought the ending just didn’t match the tone of the rest of the story, but most of it was good fun.I lovedd the ‘thin girl’ and her spiteful comments…
😆 yes that was particularly good!
*laughing lots* This is a stellar review!
*hides eyes from the hideous thing in the middle*
Okay, so, I actually finished the story! *proud face* You know, FEF, this has made the professor even more scared of dancing. You do know that, right?
And now that you say it, I do see a resemblance between the automaton and Darby.
*blushes* Awww, thanks, Prof!
Of course, I’d much rather dance with you than Darby, but I didn’t have a picture of you with your kisscurl. You don’t need to be scared of dancing with me – I’m not an automaton. Promise! And I should think you’ll be able to match my fastest sped fairly easily…
That’s odd – ‘cos I see a resemblance between Darby and…
*bows*
You mean, you would have posted a picture of me??? I don’t know about that. I’ve got no practice, and you’re a regular dancer! Plus, I hurt my back.
*laughs* Rats. You weren’t supposed to say that.
I might have – but I don’t know. I wouldn’t have wanted the other girlies swooning – you know how jealous I can get, and you’re such an outrageous flirt… *glowers a bit*
*laughs a lot* I do wonder sometimes if you really think I dance… Aw! Poor C-W-W! What did you do?
There is a degree of truth in it though… isn’t there?
Am not neither a flirt! I think…I’ll give you my meanest orc face. That’ll fetch them all. There’ll be lots of screaming, then.
*shocked face* You told me you did! Never lift weights in the morning with your back. Ouch. Learned the hard way. *dies*
Is not! Hey, you think the professor looks like everyone: the kid on the train and now Darby!
Oh, you are!! You and your Amelias and Lotties! Tchah! I bet even your orc face is c&a…
Did I? Are you sure? I didn’t…maybe…just imply it…? *laughs lots but feels bad about it* I think I can truly promise to follow your advice on this subject! Don’t die! You’d be missed…
*laughs lots again* Well, tell you what (chickit)! You can choose! Which one of them would you rather look like?
Is not! Orcs can’t be cute, remember. You should know this!
Imply? You said you were a ballroom and disco (I think?) dancer! Maybe my mind is going. It’s not funny, dadblameit!! I can’t stand straight…who knew lifting weights could be so dangerous?
How about myself?!!!!!!!!!
Professor Orcs can be though – they have kisscurls apparently…
I suspect I may have said that I had danced in a ballroom and in a disco – both true! But I can’t say I’ve won medals for it or anything… *shuffles off, bathed in shame* Well… I did! *doesn’t chuckle* *oops! Does!*
Oh where would be the fun in that?
Hmm…wonder if Professor Orcs attend college…
Don’t be ashamed! I think it’s absolutely very, very cool. Believe me. It’s getting better. Soon, I’ll be back to my old self.
I’ll have to find someone for you to look like…let me see…
Yes, they do courses in how to cook their fellow orcs. Is Ruber an orc?
See, that’s why it would be so much fun to dance with me – you’d be bound to look good in comparison! I’m glad! You must take up some less dangerous pursuits – lion-taming, perhaps.
Yes? Yes???
Ruber is not! Imagine if DS heard you say that.
Me? Look good at dancing? Nah! I probably couldn’t stop laughing. I think I’d feel ridiculous. Lion-taming…hmm…I could see myself doing that.
I’d say the one with the funny eyes, but you like her…how about…Jean Arthur?
Tchah! Do I look like I’m scared of sausages?
And the ringmaster outfit would suit you so well… *swoons a bit*
Oh, she looks rather lovely! But on the other hand she would be 115, so not sure how effective wrinkle cream would be… but I suppose being dead probably means that doesn’t matter too much! I do hope you’re not implying that you think I’m 115?!?! (Or dead.) And why on earth does the Professor know about her?
*thinks* Probably not.
Not sure what they wear…but I hear they get a bull whip!
She’s one of my favorite actresses. Don’t you like her?
Dinky red jackets, boots and a top hat! *takes blood pressure pill*
I don’t know her at all – I don’t think I’ve ever seen her in anything. I do like the wiki description of her though. What makes her one of your favourites? In fact, how do you even know her??
I think it’s her voice. Very distinctive. Really? *skeptical professorish eye* I’ve seen in her in dozens of movies, I think… *begins to count* Well, maybe a few.
Really! But I watched a couple of clips and she looks a) gorgeous and b) fun – so I’m feeling kinda flattered… *smiles bigly*
Really indeed. Doesn’t she have a great voice? Well, rats…that’s true… You know, FEF, I’m not sure who to get now.
You’re disappointed that I’m flattered? But you must be able to think of other gorgeous women – I’m looking to gain insight into the Professorial idea of gorgeousness… *puts cosmetic surgeon on hold*
No! Oh, gee…I don’t know if I can think of another actress… Maybe a guitarist. I don’t know. Rats.
True – it must be hard to think of women more gorgeous than FF… *simpers*
I can’t think of any others that simmer…
I was going to grouch about you picking up on my typos but a) I didn’t make one and b) simmering does sound so much better than simpering… *simmers*
*Laughs* It’s the “p” that doesn’t work.
Goodness! Don’t start discriminating against poor little ‘p’s too – whatever would we call puppies then?
Dogs!
*laughs lots* Very good!
Great post, thanks for the Firth pic as well, always appreciated! 🙂
Always room on this blog for Darcy… 😉